it is a problem that i write englisch^^?

I was always dour and withdrawn, I’ve never let anybody to come closer to me, because they hurt me too many times, and it was always hard for me to demonstrate my feelings, besides... I was cold like ice, I wanna have somebody who will take care of me, love me and first of all who will trust me and who I can trust in 100%...but everyone only wanna have me for fun, no feelings, nothing...They only liked the way I dance or how I look, they played with me and I swore myself that I will never, have any other boy, and I won’t trust to anybody...There were always many people around me but for real, I was alone between them... And one day my bro sent me a message on icq
-“hey sis can u give me some pictures of you ‘cause one of my friends wanna see you ^^”
-“what?! Which friend? I don’t know your friends! What did you say him???”
-“ehm... nothing, Simon said him something only for fun, and he wanna see you^^”
First mind in my head ”wtf? What he said to him? Tzzz for sure next stupid jerk...”
I don’t remember if I sent him my pictures first, but I also wanna se him, so my bro gave me link to his page... I came in, but nothings worked... Hmmm “maybe I must log in?”(girls are too stupd ha?^^) I did it and started to watch his pictures. In the same time came by lil bro:
-“ohh I know him! This is one of Michas friends, cool guy, but here looks strange”
-“yeah he looks like an idiot, and guess what? He wanna know me hehe^^”
-“uuu hot, hot^^”
-“ey stop it! Maybe i don’t wanna know him ha?”
I don’t know how all this started but he wrote to me, after some time I wrote to him, totally boring conversations.
And one day I went to my cous=bro^^ and of course “by accident” we met him... We went to Simon for night and hmmm you can easy guess what happened... I even didn’t think about him like about “boy for this night” or better “easy victim” but “shits happen” and he started to do something ^^. Micha and Simon went sleep and they left us alone... My god when I’m thinking about this night I feel so shamed “embarrassing kids games” tzzz I thought “yeah next guy for one night”... When I woke up he was sleeping so i went fast to Micha and said that we must go home. And we went away without saying “goodby” I hate good-byes... specially after such situations. At home Micha asked me
-“And sis,how was?”
-“Tzzz nothing special happened, he is strange”
-“Yeah a lil bit and he has girlfriend...”
And that was the end for me... Yeah next stupid animal! Why I’m so naive?!?!
Hmmm i didn’t want to see him again but my sweet aunt can’t let me for it... he came to Micha few hours later but Micha was away so she sait “Maybe you wanna talk with Paulina?”
I only thought “When I will back I will kill u aunt...” We went for a walk I didn’t felt nothing special he bring me back home said goodby kissed me and went away. Later came Micha and he asked if I wanna see THEM off for a train. Of course stupid me did it... Yeh few words and “goodby” threw on the wind and I went back home... “IDIOT” tzzz and yeah I’m idiot to, why i let him for it? Tzzz tzzz dżizys jakie baby są głupie (omg, cheeks are so stupid)
But we kept our acquaintance on,and something started to happen... Something very bad for me... I became attached to him... I was thinking “My God why he??? He is totally not my type, he is weird, and tzzz he is a boy, the same like everyone else and he has GIRLFRIEND!!! I had 1000 minds in my head but it was too late for changes...”I only don’t wanna broke this relationship, I don’t wanna one more time feel like bitch, yeah too late, I feel so already:/”
but after all I came to him one more time, by this time was a lil bit different, better but I just couldn’t trust him... When he went out from Michas flat he had so sad eyes... I have this picture all the time in my mind... From this day passed about 1,5 month. During this time we was talking everyday, and we are still talking, There was few strange situations in this time, the worse one was that he broke up with his girl and hmmm I was happy, I thought that maybe that is it, maybe he is different than the others. Maybe I was wrong whet i said that he is the same. Everything was ok unlit she wrote to me... This mail was the worse thing in my life, I felt so awful, I cried all might long ehmmm and now I don’t wanna talk about it... And he said something what killed me... “Don’t worry now, that was good decision, maybe I will look for some other girl but I don’t think so, you are the best.
This “MAYBE” was like slaughter and I was like lil lamb under slaughter knife... Yeah but I tried to forget about it and live normally. Everything is so crazy, in next week I go to him for longer than only one day. MY GOD I”M SOOOOOOO HAPPY but like he said yesterday “nothing can last for ever” tzzz. I don’t even know if he realize how important he is, how much he changed my life, he raise me to heaven with one smile, with one crazy word from his mouth. Also I’m falling down when he says “nothing can last for ever”... Yeah maybe he has right but hey! I don’t wanna think about future, so for me nothing can end, ‘cause I’m only here and only now, nothing more. Sometimes is hard ‘cause he is so far away, and sometimes his words hurt, but he opened my heart for people, i trust him, my mind are free when he is near. YOU ARE MY WATER,YOU ARE MY AIR,YOU ARE MY WINGS, MY STARS ON NAVY BLUE SKY,WITH YOU I CAN FLY... I know I’m crazy but everything because of one special person^^
boring story I know ^^ but that is story of my life the best one. I’m not sure what kind of feelings it is,maybe friendship, maybe love maybe only attachment, maybe he just bewitched me? Hmmm i hope that it is friendship for him ‘cause for me it is, and it is important, that is also attachment ‘cause I just can’t live without him normally, and for sure he bewitched me ^^ but love? I don’t know how love looks...Maybe he will show me it?

 


21.3.07 22:36

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